xX_R4GEQU1T_Xx on the Cardboard Thunderstorm

PLAYED: I've suffered through over 30 minutes of this "game".

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Did someone just glue a bunch of deck chairs onto a construction site? "Cardboard Thunderstorm" boasts cheap production values and bland cardboard props. I came for entertainment, not to see untextured clouds and low-res lightning bolts! The cast amounts to 4 unpaid interns, and they look more bored than the audience. Imagine watching a 12-hour Twitch stream of someone playing chess and you've nailed the excitement level. Apparently, this was better in early access - players called it an interactive choose-your-own-adventure classic!

GAMEPLAY: The devs love their trench coat metaphors, relying on tired old clichés instead of crafting original content. Skip through graphicmonologues every 5 minutes for "emphasis". You navigate dialogue options, but it's clear which ones are nerfed (linked to prompt disapproval from a non-existent audience). At least buffs like changing costumes yield minor plot "twists". It's a deliberately slow-paced skill issue for masochists who enjoy not having fun, with obtuse symbolism about communication and the environment. Git gud if you want to understand any of their "deep" patch notes.

DEV SUPPORT: They've already ruined one stage play; can they even patch this? 1) Buff graphics with more collagen injections, 2) improve frame rate with less in-show packed lunches, 3) cut out microtransactions before hypothermia sets in. I can only imagine what their bottomless ambitions have in store for their next "experience". The script is a contemptible checklist of buzzwords, so anticipate loud misery and meaninglessness. Critics who praise this are Big Theatre sysops, oblivious to a bitter waste of time and money.

OVERALL SCORE: 2.2 / 10. Cardboard Thunderstorm is an OPA, over-praised art form. Its meta is anyone left in the audience can't admit they fell for it. Avoid.